Now and forever...

And so I walk,

And so you walk,

Away from life- as we know it ...

Here and now,

Now and forever,

Different from happiness- as we have known it...

Never had I dreamt ,
 Of becoming a dream,
A dream is what you have made me...


Never did I want,
To live with memories of you,
Couldn't you, instead, just stay with me ?

Everyday I hope to set like the sun,

Knowing, 
 That it will rise again...

Holding on for a little while longer, 

Hoping,
 That love shall shine again...

Till then remember me,
 As that toothy smile,

Which adorned your beloved face...

As a beat that touched your heart,
Some day,

An echo that trembled with your name...

Hope, Hope-er, Hope-est,

Wishing you all the very best,
Smiles and laughter, friends and family...

Little sorrows sometimes, 
If they have to be,

Nullified forever, by sweet memories of me...

Of humans and humanity...

How long do I wait for the sunshine...

How long do I wait for the rain,

Emptiness swallowing me piece by piece...

There is a pitch black darkness that just won't make way.

Everyone wants a chunk...

From the sketchy shadows left of me,

And from all the hollowness within...

There still trickles down a tear now and then,

Bereft, yet enough to swallow me.

Is being kind, my biggest folly?

Is humility, my greatest foe?

When I am giving so much for nothing in return...

Why do they pick a hammer and give it all back, blow by blow?

I see a lot of humans...

Boy, I think I do,

But humanity is a far cry...

Robots have replaced humans.

Where is the balance?

Where is that goodness, untold?

I see no silver lining here...

All fables told, don't hold.

To be or not to be,

Has never been a choice...

To keep being.

Is the only challenge...

How to be,

Is a matter of subjective opinion...

Nothing really matters.

What do I do now?

When I was alone,

And on my own...

Never did they ask,

How it felt alone...

Now when that ain't true,

Now that I have me and you...

People want to know,

People never grow...

People just assume,

Things they shall never know...

When my life was empty,

When my days were dark...

Not a clink on my doorbell,

Not a sound through my walls...

Now when I want a life,

In the life I have supposedly lived so far...

Why all these questions,

Why the unwanted guilt...

Why the merciless barricade,

Is living, my biggest sin?

What do I do now?

How do I carry on...

Do I keep walking on my own...

 Without you, without me, all alone...

Or do I run back to you,

Run back into your arms...

Numb down all other senses,

Just keep walking with you, arm-in-arm...

Forevers...

Just another day,

With you...

A sunny charm,

A rosy hue...

Some scattered dreams,

Some broken smiles...

A few stolen jokes,

Shy, dreamy eyes...

Out of nowhere here you stand today,

All brand new...

Promising me forever,

Forever me, forever you..

Forevers have got a shelf life,

They radiate away,

And themselves they lose...

I look into your eyes,

I read into your smiles,

And I wonder about this forever too...

How long will this forever last,

Will it crumble down like that forever past...

Let today last a day too long,

For tomorrows and those forevers never last...

Just for now...

You can be the sunshine in my hair,

You can be the faint scent of roses in the air.

So sweet, so just, so fair,

How could I say no to love and care.

Don't  know where this will go to...

But for now,

I'm just gonna be with you...

For as long as I can be,

For as long as you shall be.

Till forever can try and last,

Till the last sane memory.

Don't know what this will be...

But for now,

Could you just be with me...

Pages from a life ( short story)

Day-1:


1 July 2012


It was a sultry evening and Ananya Basu was walking back home. Yes, the roads were the same as they had always been... Dusty, split up by a divider which she had walked all over and crossed a zillion times.. the same single, lonely mynah sitting desolately on the corner railing... Mr. Shastri in his trademark black shorts and white tee, walking in the silent, faithful company of his dear old dog ; punctually, like every other evening... The same vegetable vendors in the far end of the road with their little fans trying to fend off the flies... And the same little flies humming away on their precious fruits and vegetables, unmindful.... With a strange peace coming over her senses by this strange feeling of being within the realms of a comfortably known world, Ananya crossed one half of the road and stood on the divider, waiting for the traffic to clear up enough for her to cross to the other end. Just as she had done so, screeeeccchhhhh..... All heads turned back. Suddenly a motor cycle's handle was tossed right at her foot. One mirror scratched and broken, the other, which bore the brunt of the fall, painfully twisted away like the trunk of the faraway magic tree, with white sparks eerily spilling out from underneath.. Only, this wasn't magic. Black magic, maybe... But, not the happier version of it, which makes little kids clap away with curiosity and excitement. As though in slow motion, Ananya turned to a scene out of a Hollywood thriller. A broken and battered beast of a bike, lying lifelessly on the edge of the road and an equally immobile man bleeding and bruised - bathed in the blood that symbolized his life, yet so devoid of it... A moment's hesitation and then a swarm of people circled in. Some wanting to help, most others plain curious.


All of a sudden, Ananya found herself being pushed off the divider, and being replaced by the aforementioned crowd. She wanted to stop them. Tell them- Hey! I am a doctor. I can help. But people were already lifting the man, calling for help and clearing the road of the rubble. That, added to the fact that they were just a minute away from the hospital where she worked, made her stop. He was in good hands. And she knew from experience, that in an emergency, the lesser people controlling the matters, the better the management. They don't say- Too many cooks, spoil the broth- for nothing!


Closing up her heart and sealing up her emotions, like she had done a million times before, the young doctor adjusted her spectacles back on her nose, turned and walked away. This was like everyday. 


Death, Life , Disease.... Living and working in the hospital brings one closer to these realities of life that are often forgotten in the camouflage of dreams and the complex relief of happiness and everyday living. You always believe that you have seen it all. But, there always come along something once in a while, that blows you apart, boggles your mind, takes your breath away and makes you thank God every single minute for everything that He has blessed you with. Faith, stems out of realization that you have been taken care of at some point and will thus, be potentially taken care of at some later point of time. And so, faith flourishes in the compounds of hospitals abundantly. 


...............................................................................................................................................................




Day-2 : 


4 July 2012


"You are going to be absolutely fine, Mr. Rao. Your operation was successful and you are recouping pretty well. You should be back home in no time, sir."


Ananya saw the old, grey and pantalooned 75 year old Mr. Rao beem back toothlessly at her from his hospital bed. Same kind eyes, same half balding head.. He looked so familiar to her dear old Uncle Roy, who has lost his battle against Prostate cancer last year. She had been very fond of her paternal uncle and his death had been a blow, she had not accepted so far. Forget denial and anger, she was still in disbelief with acceptance , hence, being eons away. 


Glancing one last time at his electrocardiograph, oscillating away on the screen within normal limits and the thankfully stable vital values flashing on the screen, Ananya gave the old man an engaging smile and moved to check on the next patient under her care. She had just picked up the other man's file when there was a sudden rush of activity. Sister calling out for help and she suddenly found herself,back in the cubicle which she had just left with Mr. Rao in front of her. Only this time... he was looking heavenwards and gasping for life. 


Her mind, her hands and her feet, fell back into the motions of familiar protocols. Her mind steam-rolling its way through the pages of textbooks on emergency care which she had read, revised and re-revised so many times before. But her heart was up somewhere, watching surreally, as the painfully familiar man shuddered back unresponsively to the 360 joules direct shock.


"Stand back, compressions are on me. Brother, you are doing the breaths. Grab the mask and bag."


In under a minute, Ananya had climbed up on the edge of the bed and was pushing hard and fast into the chest of the dying man. Cycles began and culminated, flowing into other cycles and flow-charts of management.... It seemed like a foolish battle against fate. But, Ananya didn't have the heart to give up. Her heart was still up there, watching. Miraculously, there was some activity on the screen. A pulse... A heartbeat. Stepping back, Ananya stood there watching the man she had just brought back from the jaws of death. He was breathing on his own now and there was life in his heart. He should be fine. 


"How long did we resuscitate, brother?"


"55 minutes."


Chills sprinted down her spine......Not Good.


A few days later, her worse fears were confirmed. 


It was the same hospital bed, the same black file, the same reassuring vitals and dynamically oscillating electrocardiograph on the screen But, the man in front of her would never smile back at her. He would never get up and walk. Never talk. Never read a newspaper or watch his favourite shows on the tele with the remote secured under his paw. This man was vegetative. His brain had sustained hypoxic damage and so, he was dead-but-not-dead, forever.


Expressionlessly , Ananya filled in his discharge papers, signed them and watched his determined, fighter of a wife, learn the tricks of tube feeding and basic nursing care from a couple of helping nurses. 


Life.... sometimes, it is that what happens when you least expect it to happen. It is that which shakes you back to reality when you are miles away, immersed in an exotic pool of dreams and plans. 


...............................................................................................................................................................




Day-3 :  


13 July 2012


Today was a beautiful day. Ananya has lost no patient.. She had called up her mother as promised and talked to her over lunch. Her close friend, Arnab, had called and professed his love for her. He had proposed to marry her one day soon, if that was alright with her. And she had happily agreed. Love blooming out from the sweet confines of an old friendship.... Well, that has a charm to it. He was to meet her today. 7pm.... At their favourite restaurant. The evening sun, a golden luscious apple hanging through the ceiling of the colorful evening sky , was soothing to her senses. The air had suddenly become cooler, lovelier, fragrant.. The skies were shadowed, but she could swear there were flashes of heavenly light in them...
Lights from God.


Standing on the familiar divider, like the zillion times before, she looked both ways and started to walk, waving to Mr.Shastri and his dog as she did so. 


Just about then, somebody screemed.


Horns blared.


Ananya swirled around and she saw it for real now..... Lights from God.


People looked on with horror as the unexplained truck torpedoed unchecked down the street with a man in pain behind the wheels and a lady in peace crushed underneath.


Death.... sometimes, it is that what happens when you least expect it to happen.

De ja vu..

A Silent today- slowly fixed,

The pieces of an irrepairable yesterday..

Like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle,

Suddenly, you've fallen in place...

Maybe I understand you better now,

And the things that you had to do...

I fell and you kept walking,

De ja vu... De ja vu...

Today I wear your shoes,

And stand where someday you did too...

Some parts I comprehend much better,

Some parts I wish were done better by you...

So now that I am you,

I am happy thinking of what I can do...

It is called coming a full circle,

De ja vu...  De ja vu...

Again...

So here we stand face-to-face,

Dream-to-dream,

Clashing and snatching you from me,

Again...

You have that same look on your face,

Some silent complains,

Familiar hopes, fading smiles,

Again...

I'll have to fight these smiles,

Gotta run a mile,

Got to push you far,

Again...

'Cos, you ain't staying with me,

The evergreen loner walks free,

Lonely, but safe and free,

Again...

Finding me...

Show me a way to find me.

I am left on my own... 

And deep inside.

I don't have me...

Part by part, I scattered.

Bit by bit, I lost me...

To you and you.

And everyone, in between...

A piece for you.

Unattended, turned to rust...

A piece for everyone.

Misplaced faith, blind trust...

Some were shattered.

Some were sold...

Some buried.

Unwanted, cold...

Few did tape a few crumbles.

And tried to give it back...

But when I reached out for it.

They withered on impact...

And now that I am alone.

I turn back to me...

Only to find, to my surprise.

Nothing left of me...

For I cut a sorry figure.

Me lord, don't you see...

Gave myself for everyone.

Nothing left for me...

Grow some me.

And send it...

Teach me to love.

And preserve it...

Give me the strength. 

To not give myself away...

Give me wings.

So I could fly away...

Lost..

Reach out to the emptiness below...

And try to pull out a star.

Look for joys when you feel all low...

Search it - near and far.

Can you, rush into me...

Try and make me happy.

In the laughter, I wear out of habit...

Will you, try to find me.

'Cos I am lost,

Lost, in my loneliness...

And to all the people- who think they know me,

I am lost under layers of worldliness...

Yes, I am lost !

Lost, in the unhappiness...

Lurking beneath my smile.

Lost, in the murkiness...

Of all the many rules that I enshrine.

Come, find me...

Don't  give up on me, yet.

'Cos I am lost in my own silly self ...

Come, find me, my friend.

तू ...

नींद के किस ख्वाब से मिला है तू ,

ख्वाब के किस छोर से सिला है  तू ...

Boy, I did not see you coming ,

कब,कैसे और कहाँ मिला है तू ...

याद के किस पल से जुड़ा है तू ,

पल के किस क्षण से रमां  है तू ...

मुझसे जुदा होकर भी , I don't know , 

जाने क्यों मुझसे जुड़ा है तू ...

अनदेखा सा कोई हमसफ़र ,

मुस्कुराहटो का एक नया सेहर ...

Who are you? Who are you?

अंजानी है मेरी नज़रे , अंजाना है तेरा शहर ...

कभी कभी.... ( sometimes )

बंद दीवारो से चुनी एक इमारत में ;
टूटी कहानियों की कुछ पुरानी मीनारों में ...
अपने होने की एक वजह, एक नया ख्वाब बुंती हूँ ;
कभी कभी, यूँ ही फुर्सत में, मै उन्मुक्त घूमती हूँ ...




एकान्त खड़े सन्नाटे की रुदाली में ;
दुनिया की ऊपरी खुशहाली में ...
दबी किसी ख्वाहिश की, एक नींव ढूँढती हूँ ;
कभी कभी, यूँ ही फुर्सत में, मै उन्मुक्त घूमती हूँ ...




खुला है आसमाँ, मगर रंग नही ;
पूरी हूँ में ख़ुद में, एक मगर अंग नही ...
खोए अपने टुकड़ों की रोज़, एक नयी पहचान ढूँढती हूँ ;
कभी कभी, यूँ ही फुर्सत में, मै उन्मुक्त घूमती हूँ ...




( Sorry folks, no English translation for this one! I exhausted my total supply of patience on that front, last time itself! )

Sleepless...

Slow down the voices, please...

I'm going off my mind.

It's 2 in the morning...

Couldn't they find a better time!

A voice of horror...

A voice of plight.

Then there are some noises...

No wonder can't sleep nights.

A cry of old pains...

And I am up again.

Begging to be left at times...

Or sometimes to be picked up again.

And I sit in this monkey suit...

Looking up at the moon.

Will this be over ever...

I hope that happens soon.

The alarm can go off anytime...

Resounding all over the room.

Couldn't sleep a wink tonight...

The day just came too soon.

Can't this just be over...

Can't the mind forget it all.

It's like they sleep in the morning.

But as the sun sets, out they crawl...

Couldn't sleep tonight as well

Couldn't sleep at all...

Call me!

What do I do now...

How do I make you mine.

I like the way you look at me...

I wish I knew what is on your mind.

I look around for signs and sounds...

And every movement rings some bell.

I wish you knew what I feel...

I wish I had the strength to tell.

Am I a nobody to you, tell me...

Like I am to everybody else.

Will you call me up tonight, tell me...

Will you want to be friends.

Swimming in a sea-full of acquaintances...

I think, you may not need me.

I have my own crowd,but I still do...

Look around now and then, for some new company.

I may be totally wrong...

I may be some bit right.

But if you don't give it a chance...

We would be left with- "What if"s, "May"s and "Might"s.

So, will you take a chance on me...

A chance to see those "What if"s and "Might"s.

If you know it's you and you are reading this...

Call me right-a-way- don't wait, don't fight.

To dreams...

All alone in this darkness,

I stand...

I stand...

With the roads in the map disappearing,yet,

I stand...

I stand...

There is a candle in my hand,

And a glow in my soul.

And there is a dream in my mind,

Some seeds that I have sown.

So for that dream in my eye,

For that glow in my soul.

I fight...

I fight...

Though, there is nothing I can see,

Close to what I want to be.

I fight...

I fight...

I have a dream,

I'll protect it.

Even if the world moves on,

And rejects it.

The end is only when I say that this won't be...

I've got a dream and it will be.

Stay right now...

So I knew that this won't last,

Some place deep down in my heart...

Right from the first minute,

From the very start...

I knew that we are together today,

But that some day we would fall apart...

Happens every single time,

Lost count of how many, though...

Wished on every fountain,

Every camel and every nail on my toe...

But life, I guess, stays more or less the same,

No matter how much I bother, it don't change...

And to this walking away,

And falling apart...

I am apparently now programmed,

 State-of-the-art...

Come, take, turn and leave,

Send the next one...

And yeah, you too can leave!

Can you try and surprise me next time round...

Surprise me by staying when I think you're gone.

By showing me that you'll be right there...

Surprise me by waiting when I say- I don't care.

Come to me on my darkest day...

On my loudest unrest.

Grow upon me somehow...

Like you were never gone.

Forever after, forever is right now...

Disbelief...

How did this happen?

How could this ever happen to me?

This wasn't what I wanted,

Or who I wanted to be...

Where is that golden sunshine?

What happened to those soft dreams...

Why am I locked up inside a tele?

And left banging on its screen...

Who is holding the remote to this?

And is choosing where I go...

Like a puppet I dance pointlessly,

And call it- "going with the flow"...

Powerless Helpless Hopeless,

Less, Than what I set out to be...

Sorrowful Painful Hurtful,

I am full, This can't be...

जो बात नहीं कही .... ( Some things unsaid...)

ना तूने कभी याद किया .

ना मैंने कभी फ़रियाद करी...

यूं ही गुज़रते लम्हों से बस.

कभी कभी तेरी बात करी ...

एक पल ख़ामोशी का.

खामोश सी बैठी थी दीवानगी ...

एक आंसू कोई आँखों का .

जिसमे दम घोट, सिसक सी रही दीवानगी ...

ना पाने का गम समझ आता है.

ना जान ने की तड़प समझ आती हैं...

पर  पाकर भी ना पाना है एक ऐसा तूफ़ान.

जिसकी झुलस खाने पे ही समझ आती हैं ...

तू नहीं तो तेरी याद ही सही.

दिल  नहीं तो ये प्यास ही सही...

पानी तो भरा सागार में भी होता हैं.

पर पी ना सकू तो ये आग ही सही ...

P/S- Got tired of reading my 'attempt' at english translation....  This is the original, I am keeping it this way alone. Not adding a translation! Sorry... :)

Princess and I... (short story)

I saw her every Sunday morning, unfailingly at dot 11 am at  Cafe Grant.
She would always be the first customer and would always pick up the very same corner seat facing the busy early morning traffic jammed streets outside.
She would have a new set of novels every time..... 2 seemingly brand new Mills and Boons, I think. 


You must be wondering...
Who am I ? And why am I telling you all this? 


Hello, my name is Aakash Rana. I work with JP Morgan Chase, Mumbai. But, I was not always here. I was younger and in college, once. This is before everything, before Mumbai happened, before I matured into a man, before I woke up to life and its little realities... somewhere during my college days. I used to be a part time waiter at McDonald's, Baroda, India, (for a short span of time, though ) which is located right opposite to the said Cafe Grant. This is an old story of  my Princess and me. I thought I'll tell you about it.. Nothing has ever been lost in listening to an odd story now and then. Maybe you'll learn something, maybe not...


I had just started waiting tables here over the weekends because I had some time in hand and I wanted some extra pocket money. It was vacation time and none of my school pals were home. McDonald's is a fabulous hang-out spot. So, I thought it would be fun to be around people of all kinds and earn something at the same time.... like two birds with one stone. It was just the question of a couple of weeks..... A few weekends.... It couldn't possibly hurt. :)


Just as I had assumed, I did bump into a truck load of people every time. But, there was something about Princess....


Old faded jeans, single color tees, hair drawn back severely and totally absorbed in herself and in her book.... Always...
Constantly checking her watch.
Always.... On a table for two. But the other chair was never occupied.
Was she waiting for someone?
1 cafe frappe and 1 sandwich of some kind. Every time... and those 2 Mills and Boons which got her undivided attention. 


I got off duty at 2 and it was around that time that she used to shut her second novel and look up.
And before I got off my duty clothes and raced to the entrance of Cafe Grant to see where she was headed, she would have disappeared.... Like she had never been there.
Every single time...


Every time, I thought I had one more Sunday. If not now, then next week. I will definitely go up to her one of these days, I used to tell myself.


But, this was a different Sunday.


It was my last day at work. I left for college that day, soon after my duty hours. 


It had been fun working. Running around under the strict nose of a stingy supervisor.... Making new work pals..... Seeing all kinds of people walk in- round, rectangle and square....But, Princess had always been a special attraction. 


Today I will walk up and occupy that empty seat. I will ask her- "Hi! Is this seat taken?"  and flash my one-sided dimpled smile at her and exude all the charm I can humanly muster. 
I will talk to her. Ask her who she is, what she does. I'll tell her about me, about who I am and what I do.
 I'll make her smile. I had seen her smile a couple of times over some interesting lines in her novel or to the waiter who often served for her. It was mesmerizing, her smile. She was just an ordinary girl to look at. But, when she smiled......  the world became a bit more beautiful. Today, I will earn one of those smiles. She will look into my eyes and smile at me. Even if it might be just because she wanted to be polite to me or probably when she would be sweetly telling me off. But, I will do it.
 I had a Dairy Milk chocolate in my pocket. Nothing fancy. Just 20 bucks. But I wanted to give it to her.... I wanted to meet her.... Wanted to know her....Wanted to hear her voice....Know her.


But, she never showed up..


It was Sunday morning. She should be right here. 
Where could she have possibly gone?
Did she change her city? 
Did she change her hang-out place?
The chocolate had begun to melt in my pocket under the hot afternoon sun. I waited for half an hour more. Maybe she was late. 
Maybe she had been waiting for Mr. Unoccupied Chair and he showed up at her doorstep today and she went out with him?


Disappointed. Deflated. Dejected.


I got back home.... Picked up my bag.... Half-heartedly put up with my Mom, fidgeting about me - pouring her worry about my inconsistent eating habits, her concern about my shabby hair do and smuggling home-cooked delicacies into my travel bag.


I sat on the platform waiting for my train. 


Dad got me a bottle of chilled water and that day's local newspaper and some magazines on current affairs- "Read," he said.


"Princess" read all the time... 2 Mills and Boons... Every time..


"Okay, Dad. I'll see you soon."
I waved him off and sat on my seat. Opened the brand new bottle of mineral water and flipped through the magazine pages. 


Politics.... Budget... Elections...Politics... And then some more politics..


Boring... Boring... Boring...


Maybe there is something interesting in the newspaper.


I made an effort. Kept the bottle to a side and opened a random page of the newspaper with both my hands.


And there she was!


Looking at me, right into my eyes, like I had always thought she would.
Smiling that mesmerizing smile, which made my heart beat fast and slow at the same time.


" In loving memory of beloved daughter and sister...
                       Kriya Sharma
It has been so cruel to lose you so suddenly in such an untimely manner.
But, you will live in our hearts. Forever.
                    - Sharma family. "