The hardest thing

It's easy to fall back,

on old habits now and then,

With you or without you...

Holding a pen again,

A stencil or a paintbrush,

Thinking all the time about you...

I can see the day,

It's okay,

I can spend the daylights without you...

But as the moon rises up,

My hopes turn down to dust,

And I cannot breath... without you.

Good night, good bye...

What is so good about them?

My eyes, your eyes

Ain't no rain as wet as them..

Why can't we be,

Where should I be,

Should I be at all?

Filling up the spaces,

Lonely in all my places,

You're my rise. you're my fall..

Being with you is hard. 

Not being, alas,

Is the hardest thing...

काश....

काश मैं  तुम्हे  बता पाती,

काश  तुम मुझे समझ  पाते।

कुछ  वक़्त और मैं  जुटा पाती ,

कुछ  बात और तुम बढ़ा पाते।।

जाने क्यों ; तुम  बिन थोड़ी  खोयी सी  हुँ,

नींद  बिन  मैं कुछ  ना- सोई  सी  हुँ। 

दिन  कब निकला ना पता ना खबर ,

सदियों से  मैं  शायद  य़ू ही कुछ  सोई हुँ।।

एक दर्द है जो  सीने से निकल के उभरता है ,

कुछ अल्फाज़ था जो लबों से लिपट के फिर खोया है। 

क्या रात है ये जो अकेली जलके बुझ रही है शोलों में,

क्या चाँद हे ये जो मायूस जाने  कितनी  रात रोया  है।।

हो सके तो  बचा लेना ,

बनती बिगड़ती ये  दास्ताँ। 

काश मैं  तुम्हे कुछ  समझ पाती ,

काश तुम मुझे कुछ बता पाते।।

If it weren't for you...

There is something about you,

I can't explain.

When I want to turn and run,

I run back to you instead.

Is there any reason,

For the way I behave.

Loneliness forever,

But still I don't complain...

Cos when you smiled,

The world lit up.

Like a zillion chocolates melting,

In just my cup.

And when the breeze grew cold,

The sun went warm.

Cold it may be,

But won't do me harm...

And I never ever would have known,

What love is...

If it weren't for you.

A letter to all dead...

To whomsoever it may concern

This is awkward. Are you really reading this? I was hoping you would. But then, I was not sure of it.

I have something to tell you. This is something I have learnt from you and want to talk to you about, if I may please.

It is impossible to know what tomorrow looks like.. feels like...tastes like. Its sheer uncertainty stares down at us every waking hour. An ever evolving, never revealing mystery- tomorrow... will it be? will we still be? 

Life happens. We just 'happen' to be in it (and we are lucky to have whatever time we get with it.) We put so much thought, work and energy for a better future- but does that future even exist? Maybe it is prudent to not plan. Maybe it is foolish to plan. Like pricking a vein with a needle and challenging it to slither away now... Like pinning every corner of the paper to the wall and challenging the wind to blow it away then... But, you know what? Paper can tear and veins can pop. So, no matter how competent you be, there is still that 1% window that things will happen just the way they want to.

I cannot change anything.

I am a doctor. I can try. But I can't always save someone who is not destined to be saved.

People die everyday. You for one, would know that very well! But, I think it will take me a lifetime to get used to it.

And then, I'll die too and so, won't remember...won't need to get used to it, I think.

You will be missed.

Much Love,

Me.

Who was I ?

Who was I?

Before you...

Without you...

In this life.

Were you ever not mine?

Without me...

Without us...

Whenever, some time.

No... this can't be !

I know I have seen you all along.

In every length of memory,

Close and safe and warm...

No.. this is not a dream!

I pinched myself and checked.

I thought I had found you,

But I found myself instead...

A me, who can laugh,

Smile around like the world is beautiful...

Even stop sometimes,

And smell some flowers, wild and bountiful...

Then I close my eyes,

Breath deeply in...

Clear my mind again,

So I can think -

Who was I?

Before you...

Without you...

In this life.

Were you ever not mine?

Without me...

Without us...

Whenever,some time. 

No Talking

  

It’s a sunny day and the stars are bright,

Full of light, but still out of sight.

My face upturned and eyes all squinched,

I try and count the stars above, on my own.

You sit by my side, you see what I do,

Cheshire smiles are all you have.

While I am sitting next to you,

But,no...

We are not talking.

We walk side by side,

Down some crooked road.

Which I never wanted,

But I couldn’t possibly have told.

The same rocking chair,

Cupboards with broken doors.

Sleeping together on the same old rocky bed,

But, no...

We don’t have to be talking

“You can pick this up,

You can let that go.”

“Like me, now?”

“Oh, no no no....”

I’ll always be the jerk who reminds you of bigger jerks.

Cos, no...

We can’t possibly be talking.

How can we talk,

With someone, you didn’t want.

Who is a buffoon thrown recklessly,

At you by the cruel lords.

So, let’s sit on this same old crooked patio,

And watch some silly news.

Fidget over the hot weather,

Pick up unfeelingly on one another instead.

And, no...

How could we ever be talking?